WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL MY TOMATOES?
I remember when I was a newborn godling my creators (the malevolent human race) set me as the god of vegetables.
So BORING to begin with. I just sat in the ground as animals occasionally spread my seed. It was a nothing existence.
I did suffer from self confidence issues throughout much of my adolescence – people didn’t care about vegetables. Who wants weird green floppy things or strange orange sticks when you can kill a pig for food? The hunt always interested humans more than the harvest.
When I got older, though, I got stronger, my job got more interesting. People finally ate my creations! I gained two devoted followings – the peaceful cults of the vegetarians and the intense but loving vegans. First was the vegetarians, those who preferred the harvest over the hunt. For the first time in my life, I was loved more than my sibling, the god of meat. How special!
Then came my second, smaller but stronger-minded following, the vegans. These were my true friends. They didn’t even eat milk! No eggs! Not even cheese! They wholeheartedly embraced me and I felt like a true achiever for the first time. I enjoyed my existence.
The problem came when the scientists had had enough of looking at cures for diseases and what made the universe spin around (who cares about that stuff anyway? Vegetables are a million times better) and decided to investigate me.
Why me? I hadn’t done anything wrong. Investigate war instead! People ate what I made, and they dug up acres of land so I could live comfortably in the ground. I hadn’t hurt anyone (except with chilis – sorry guys!) and all I did was make people healthy. Still, they looked closer at my vegetables. My BABIES.
Hmm, they said. How could we change people’s perception of food forever? How can we mess up this lovely vegetable god’s life?
The answer was, of course, to take away the tomatoes.
This is a fruit, they said. Why on Earth would this be a vegetable?
Idiot, they called me. Can’t you see how it grows from a flower? Can’t you see all the seeds? How could you believe this is your child?
I created the tomato! I am the definition of a vegetable! What right do they have to change my life so drastically?
These nasty scientists stole my baby and I want it back.